Thursday, February 23, 2017
The reflection that stares back is not one I recognize. The lines of time, the roadmap of a life shaken and agitated, devoured by traumatic occurrences of survival. Every path navigated with varying degrees of defeat and subsistence. How did this become a life so unfamiliar at times and at other times too familiar, almost comforting? Leaving a strike of pain the rises from within so suffocating, yet intoxicating. One might say devastating, but if you are me, it is vindicating. Knowing the reflection is one that cannot be impassive from my existence, a constant reminder that to be victorious means you have slain the demon that eagerly sit in the darkness waiting to consume you with sorrow and dread, pinning you onto the ground with a hand akin to a hammer, but not this time…not any time here after.
May you try, and may you fail, as you have watched me do so many times before. You track that life line to a young girl who was afraid, alone, yet bidding her time, for this too shall pass she would tell her mind and body; do not lay duped to what has been taken, but set yourself free for all that remains; there is so much that remains. Do not be so naive to think this life will be without darkness, but take comfort in the moments that leave you breathless, bounded by blimey.
Too often I move through time with a blindness to happiness…wishing, hoping, my time will come. Tick tock…the clock strikes, go. I run, run so fast my limbs feel as though they are being ripped from my body. Running toward my life’s train. But…wait, all this time I have been running for the final destination. No! No, I scream in my mind. The final stop is the end of my journey. Panicked, I pull the cord to signal my early departure, it is not the final stop I seek, but the stop in between the last place and the place I don’t want to know.
No, it is not my time yet, I am slowing. Gently slowing, as not to miss my sojourn in this life. The reflection in the mirror whispers…here, stop here. I like this stop, I see happiness and my heart starts to beat again. Although I am still slowing, yet another life line tracks across my face. Let it show, relishing in all that is expressions - I lived, I loved, I cherished. It is one I will embellish with eternal bliss, even though I know it will not last forever. Decorating this place within my heart with jewels of pride, affection, and joyfulness. Adorned for better person surely, but it comes to me, so I grab it, hold it, and keep it for as long as I can.
Until tomorrow, when I see the person staring back at me; until then will I feel the need to relive the unpredictable opulence of life, but I will resist residing in the loins of purgatory. My fate, my destiny, my life. Mirror, mirror, on the wall… may you capture my soul with a glance, may you hold it with time…but may you also set me free.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
By Lee Ann Walker
Death affects us all very differently, but none immune to the thoughts that occur right before the moment of passing. The moment of time that you become starkly conscious that there is no point of return, no turning back. The moment when you speak the words that flood the brain into the ear before the final breathe, you try to hold the moment before the passing, but like water it slips through your fingers – you are unable to say everything your mind is relaying to your mouth, and you realize this and sadness overcomes, you lean in to say all that you can - I am here, rest easy sweet babies, and I love you.
The heart knows no dissimilarity in the realm of loss, a loss is a loss, the heart grieves in a manner that the brain cannot fully understand or put into words. The moment after death, the brain seeks to find reason and thinks of all decisions before the passing moment and after the moment of passing. It analyzes the final moment to see if the right choice has been made – for it is the rational portion of the person, knowing there was great pain in keeping the inevitable from occurring. For keeping you here would have been a personal indulgence that should not be allowed to continue as your suffering was evident. I will not forget your eyes, they tell a story of contentment with the cloudiness of a sweet goodbye – you somehow know it is your time, perhaps it is the steady flow of tears I shed, or perhaps the smell of the air hinted of death. It is almost as if your eyes spoke to my heart, telling the story of happiness, a life of love, and the final moment of passing over into a world of no pain, no suffering, and no ailments was coming. I know you loved me, my steadfast babies.
Every moment since our forever goodbye, my thoughts are of you, I see you everywhere, surrounding me, I thought I saw you sitting in your usually spot, but I know it was my wishful mind thinking of how wonderful it would be to have you for another final moment. I know the bad days must occur to make us really appreciate the good days, and there were so many good days. You both were gifts, ones that I treasured, held dear, and will forever miss.
The sadness in my eyes as you look upon me knowing the eternal light is for you, will be forever imprinted in my mind and marked on my heart - go to your bridge. You reach out with your tiny paw with a tiny gesture as to say it is okay mom, it is our time to go. The bridge awaits, the field of flowers and butterflies to chase is calling us. It is sad to lose one baby, but to bear the loss of two within minutes proved to be the biggest heartache I have endured in a long time. 12 wonderful years is what I hold dear.
In the passing moment a piece of my heart went with you, I will never forget you, you served alongside me during my darkest moments and you created so many happy moments. Thank you both sweet babies for being my rocks and lending me an ear to share my dreams, my losses, and saddest, yet greatest moments of my life, thank you for your steadfast friendship and unconditional love. This family is no longer complete in your departure. No other will fill the void that has been created by your absence.
Forever in the passing. Cross the bridge into the unknown, happiness awaits. I will see you again when it is my time. Until then dance.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
No words of ease to comfort the heart of the broken, so many shattered pieces. Diligent denial rests easy in the mind, maddening solitude resides in my bones. Forsaking all good and casting away all evil, yet the residual is a permanent black scar that lifts its weary head for no one.
Panic of the unknown, fear of the known, living, breathing darkness consumes my being. The light. The light, however, is like a speck in the sky, a star in a faraway galaxy, not much larger than a pin prick, yet it provides a sense of peace, a sense of tranquility. It provides the hope.
Small but mighty. A battle so grown it manifests and evokes the contrast of nimble and dilatory. Illuminating the darkness, while the darkness smothers the light – the constant ritual begins, an intricate dance among thieves. Can it be a reverie or a dreary misapprehension, never allowing the ability to escape to seek restitution from the crimes it has prevailed upon my soul. Never bring righteousness to the victim, but always magnificence to the malicious.
I tender my thoughts to provoke an emotion that only the goodwill can control. It is for this instance that my sanity finds a moment to catch up, to relinquish the chains that bind and set oneself free from the burdens that weigh you down like a heavy, luminous cloud in an eternally brilliant blue sky trying to find its way around the wall of despondency you have built in your mind. Peace is forthcoming, as justice will be done. It may not be within the respire that remains, but knowing in my broken heart the sentinels of impartiality will collect on the overdue liability.
Hope permeates in like a slow rolling graveyard fog, it devours the darkness and brings with it a feeling that cannot be replicated or masked. I know, you know, we know that the time of sorrow will be done. The thoughts part to allow the brilliance of the mind to deliver a message of tranquility that bides for the day you will devour all that is can provide. Hope is but a step away on the brick path of life, steadfast and strong. Hold tight for the hero, for at the end of the day that is you.
Heal your sorrow, mend your heart, open your mind, and allow the verve to collect your soul and bring forth the goodness that warrants imminent melancholy occasions. Thy mind is uncontrolled, do not be deceived, allow the mind’s gears to turn and open the heavy, dungeon gate that once held in its captivity a soul that was weak - but no more, allow the thoughts to run free and far away. Love, live, and be the person who holds happiness in their vestibule of life’s gates. Walk…through, your time has arrived.