Saturday, September 20, 2014
By Lee Ann Walker
Death affects us all very differently, but none immune to the thoughts that occur right before the moment of passing. The moment of time that you become starkly conscious that there is no point of return, no turning back. The moment when you speak the words that flood the brain into the ear before the final breathe, you try to hold the moment before the passing, but like water it slips through your fingers – you are unable to say everything your mind is relaying to your mouth, and you realize this and sadness overcomes, you lean in to say all that you can - I am here, rest easy sweet babies, and I love you.
The heart knows no dissimilarity in the realm of loss, a loss is a loss, the heart grieves in a manner that the brain cannot fully understand or put into words. The moment after death, the brain seeks to find reason and thinks of all decisions before the passing moment and after the moment of passing. It analyzes the final moment to see if the right choice has been made – for it is the rational portion of the person, knowing there was great pain in keeping the inevitable from occurring. For keeping you here would have been a personal indulgence that should not be allowed to continue as your suffering was evident. I will not forget your eyes, they tell a story of contentment with the cloudiness of a sweet goodbye – you somehow know it is your time, perhaps it is the steady flow of tears I shed, or perhaps the smell of the air hinted of death. It is almost as if your eyes spoke to my heart, telling the story of happiness, a life of love, and the final moment of passing over into a world of no pain, no suffering, and no ailments was coming. I know you loved me, my steadfast babies.
Every moment since our forever goodbye, my thoughts are of you, I see you everywhere, surrounding me, I thought I saw you sitting in your usually spot, but I know it was my wishful mind thinking of how wonderful it would be to have you for another final moment. I know the bad days must occur to make us really appreciate the good days, and there were so many good days. You both were gifts, ones that I treasured, held dear, and will forever miss.
The sadness in my eyes as you look upon me knowing the eternal light is for you, will be forever imprinted in my mind and marked on my heart - go to your bridge. You reach out with your tiny paw with a tiny gesture as to say it is okay mom, it is our time to go. The bridge awaits, the field of flowers and butterflies to chase is calling us. It is sad to lose one baby, but to bear the loss of two within minutes proved to be the biggest heartache I have endured in a long time. 12 wonderful years is what I hold dear.
In the passing moment a piece of my heart went with you, I will never forget you, you served alongside me during my darkest moments and you created so many happy moments. Thank you both sweet babies for being my rocks and lending me an ear to share my dreams, my losses, and saddest, yet greatest moments of my life, thank you for your steadfast friendship and unconditional love. This family is no longer complete in your departure. No other will fill the void that has been created by your absence.
Forever in the passing. Cross the bridge into the unknown, happiness awaits. I will see you again when it is my time. Until then dance.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
No words of ease to comfort the heart of the broken, so many shattered pieces. Diligent denial rests easy in the mind, maddening solitude resides in my bones. Forsaking all good and casting away all evil, yet the residual is a permanent black scar that lifts its weary head for no one.
Panic of the unknown, fear of the known, living, breathing darkness consumes my being. The light. The light, however, is like a speck in the sky, a star in a faraway galaxy, not much larger than a pin prick, yet it provides a sense of peace, a sense of tranquility. It provides the hope.
Small but mighty. A battle so grown it manifests and evokes the contrast of nimble and dilatory. Illuminating the darkness, while the darkness smothers the light – the constant ritual begins, an intricate dance among thieves. Can it be a reverie or a dreary misapprehension, never allowing the ability to escape to seek restitution from the crimes it has prevailed upon my soul. Never bring righteousness to the victim, but always magnificence to the malicious.
I tender my thoughts to provoke an emotion that only the goodwill can control. It is for this instance that my sanity finds a moment to catch up, to relinquish the chains that bind and set oneself free from the burdens that weigh you down like a heavy, luminous cloud in an eternally brilliant blue sky trying to find its way around the wall of despondency you have built in your mind. Peace is forthcoming, as justice will be done. It may not be within the respire that remains, but knowing in my broken heart the sentinels of impartiality will collect on the overdue liability.
Hope permeates in like a slow rolling graveyard fog, it devours the darkness and brings with it a feeling that cannot be replicated or masked. I know, you know, we know that the time of sorrow will be done. The thoughts part to allow the brilliance of the mind to deliver a message of tranquility that bides for the day you will devour all that is can provide. Hope is but a step away on the brick path of life, steadfast and strong. Hold tight for the hero, for at the end of the day that is you.
Heal your sorrow, mend your heart, open your mind, and allow the verve to collect your soul and bring forth the goodness that warrants imminent melancholy occasions. Thy mind is uncontrolled, do not be deceived, allow the mind’s gears to turn and open the heavy, dungeon gate that once held in its captivity a soul that was weak - but no more, allow the thoughts to run free and far away. Love, live, and be the person who holds happiness in their vestibule of life’s gates. Walk…through, your time has arrived.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
A heart mom I adore and love had recently made a dedication to her husband for being the support she needed during and after the loss of their baby due to complications surrounding their son’s heart defect. I must say I was touched to see this recognition, for I too have often felt, and feel, as if I do not provide enough credit to my husband for his unyielding love and support. While our daughter is a heart baby, we did not lose her, yet we grieved the loss of a child free of worry. In times of great despair and heartache, we pull from everywhere, just to hang on, often abusing the life lines being given to secure our own life line. Husbands and fathers often play many roles while also tending to their emotional well-being. They are our magnificent rock that prevents the waves of devastation from taking us under to drown in the tears of a broken soul and from walloping us when we are already down. When we expose the emotion that comes from a heart that is breaking or has broken, it is often our husbands who come to patch the wounds with love and caress away the tears into a sanctuary of safe keeping. They can’t make it disappear or stop or even go away, but they certainly provide the much needed crutch to our falling house.
Our children are our ribbons of life, wrapped around our entire being, even existence, often times wrapped so tightly we feel suffocated, but a comfortable nurturing suffocation, one that we thrive on and seek out – a sort of love addiction. When our children are sick, we feel paroxysms from the inside out that cannot be measured by any other life event for nothing is comparable to the agony of a sick, dying, or lost child. I know for me, I have to stop and make sure that I turn to my soul mate and ask him if he is okay – often left to deal with the grief and pain in times of silence – away from the suspecting ear and when he is alone, for he feels he must be strong for me. I want you to know I am here for you too, you are always strong when I am weak and when you are weak, know I will be there to carry the weight of your broken heart in my hands and do my best to wash away the burdens of this new found life, and provide you with a sanctuary of safe keeping.
Simply put, our husbands and fathers to our sick and dying children are the silent partner that provides in moments of great weakness, sadness, and despair. They provide the light to guide the days to free us from the eternal night that surrounds our heart and darkens the mind. My husband is my greatest love, supplying the greatest love to me and our family. That is priceless and something a billion lives cannot repay. Thank you for always putting us first even when you put yourself at risk of breaking. Thank you for your selfless acts to ensure my sanity at times I wanted to put my head through the wall, times I wanted to give up, and times I just wanted to die. Thank you for pulling me back from the ledge of guilt, uncertainty, and insecurity. Thank you for taking on all that came along with the title of dad and husband, at times I am sure more than you bargained for, but I know all you wanted to be was the best dad and husband you could, and know you are so much more than just the title. Thank you for being you, just when I need you. Today, tomorrow, forever. I am the woman I am because of you. For that I am eternally yours. My love, our love, always.
|Lee Ann, wife|