The following pieces contain language that may be offensive. Some of the pieces deal with sensitive matters, surviving 7 years of child sexual abuse and 16 years of mental and physical child abuse. I used to think being a survivor of childhood abuse gave me a purpose - but now that I have a daughter who was born with a life threatening CHD called Truncus Arteriosus, my purpose has become greater than me - my work has shifted slightly to include her. Enjoy!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Written by: Lee Ann Walker
It is not without a blow to the gut, a desperate plea to
the mind, that fate finds us locked in a corner of our heart trapped by
emotions that should not be felt by anyone. It is with longing that we look to
the past, a day where we were free, smiling without reason, smiling for an emotion
called happiness. In the face of despair with an injured soul, we seek to find
others who have shared a similar fate, hoping they hold the map to Happy Town –
together we mourn and grieve as if it was our own twisted fate all over again. With
a dubious cover to feel no pain, we try to block it out, ignoring it, filling
our lives with other trinkets of contentment, all the while this pain lingers
like an illicit friend gripping you, shaking you until you’re unable to see
Our paths in life
seem so different at the beginning, but soon we realize our beginning also
belonged to someone else and someone else before them. Our situations are rarely
unique in fact almost everything has happened to someone else at some other
time. Suddenly we realize our life’s history is not being made it is merely being
relived. What makes us different is how we chose to deal with the emotions of a
situation that so many others have taken to know. In the wake of the storm, devastation
is inevitable, but repairable; we must find healing, for if this is not found –
we will be lost. How can we make change if we are lost? Nevertheless, how can
we heal such pain that funnels our thoughts and makes every action seem irrational,
unjustified, and untimely? We share our story to anyone and everyone who claim
they want you hear it, only to find that others too have been through it. We grieve
all over; we share the emotions of others as a form of healing. Their hurting collides
with our own making a kaleidoscope of pain that turns and turns shaping us into
a different person.
It is easy to see
your life before your life began because life is so much easier before you had
to live it. We find that balance does not exist and while my luck may be bad
one day, it is great the next providing unguaranteed hope that the day after
today might share a similar consequence. The loss of a loved one, a child, a
job, a pet, no matter the reason for sadness – it is repetitive, ah yes, life’s
one guarantee – loss. One almost never forgets a loss, but rarely revels in the
glory of the moment of knowing what it was like before the loss. The happiness
that filled our body cavity with ribbons of warmth, tingles, and butterflies.
Life is full of this up and down emotional turmoil, but it is wise to share the
facts and observe the challenge and know that there are certain things you can control
and things you cannot no matter how hard you press the reset button.
In the end, the
only thing that ends is…we. So live like there is no ending. Do not fear what
you do not understand; fear what you have not achieved. This life is limited.
Share in the emotions of others who share a similar fate and heal these tattoos
of life. Mourn the life you will never know and live the one you have been
given. Know it will not be easy, but know there are others who are ready to walk
this path with you, together may you find peace, comfort, and healing.
wrote this piece in honor of my daughter. I always wanted a child, a girl to be
specific. July 24, 2012 I had my girl, and her name is Ryleigh. She is the
light at the end of my tunnel, completing my jigsaw, every piece is now in
place. No, she is not perfect; in fact, she is my imperfect slice of perfection.
She was born with a rare life threatening heart defect. My reality is knowing -
she will never be okay, she will never be healed, and she will never know any
other life than this one, I can’t change that.
in reality, is a stark comparison to the little girl I had envisioned having. I
mourned this loss, the loss of a perfect child. Her life will not be easy, I have immense
guilt in some ways that I did this to her and that by my choice to choose life
- I am choosing this life for her and what if she does not want it? Every time
she hurts, will she blame me? I shared my story and realized Ry is not alone
and my thoughts and emotions are also shared by others. I have met other heart
kids and their lives are filled with happy times, challenges, and triumph, but -
through it all they have amazing courage to do whatever they desire. This is my
hope for her.
realized I, too, am a survivor of her heart defect. I realized I cannot save
her, I cannot fix her, and I cannot take away her pain. As a mom that is
incredibly hard to handle. I also realized her time is precious, her life is
not guaranteed, and so I must enjoy her and focus on what I can control. I am one
of the lucky ones, not every heart family is so lucky. I hold this dear to my
heart and I know I share this emotion.