Sunday, December 22, 2013

Dads of the Dying

A heart mom I adore and love had recently made a dedication to her husband for being the support she needed during and after the loss of their baby due to complications surrounding their son’s heart defect. I must say I was touched to see this recognition, for I too have often felt, and feel, as if I do not provide enough credit to my husband for his unyielding love and support. While our daughter is a heart baby, we did not lose her, yet we grieved the loss of a child free of worry. In times of great despair and heartache, we pull from everywhere, just to hang on, often abusing the life lines being given to secure our own life line. Husbands and fathers often play many roles while also tending to their emotional well-being. They are our magnificent rock that prevents the waves of devastation from taking us under to drown in the tears of a broken soul and from walloping us when we are already down. When we expose the emotion that comes from a heart that is breaking or has broken, it is often our husbands who come to patch the wounds with love and caress away the tears into a sanctuary of safe keeping. They can’t make it disappear or stop or even go away, but they certainly provide the much needed crutch to our falling house.

Our children are our ribbons of life, wrapped around our entire being, even existence, often times wrapped so tightly we feel suffocated, but a comfortable nurturing suffocation, one that we thrive on and seek out – a sort of love addiction. When our children are sick, we feel paroxysms from the inside out that cannot be measured by any other life event for nothing is comparable to the agony of a sick, dying, or lost child. I know for me, I have to stop and make sure that I turn to my soul mate and ask him if he is okay – often left to deal with the grief and pain in times of silence – away from the suspecting ear and when he is alone, for he feels he must be strong for me. I want you to know I am here for you too, you are always strong when I am weak and when you are weak, know I will be there to carry the weight of your broken heart in my hands and do my best to wash away the burdens of this new found life, and provide you with a sanctuary of safe keeping.

Simply put, our husbands and fathers to our sick and dying children are the silent partner that provides in moments of great weakness, sadness, and despair. They provide the light to guide the days to free us from the eternal night that surrounds our heart and darkens the mind. My husband is my greatest love, supplying the greatest love to me and our family. That is priceless and something a billion lives cannot repay. Thank you for always putting us first even when you put yourself at risk of breaking. Thank you for your selfless acts to ensure my sanity at times I wanted to put my head through the wall, times I wanted to give up, and times I just wanted to die. Thank you for pulling me back from the ledge of guilt, uncertainty, and insecurity. Thank you for taking on all that came along with the title of dad and husband, at times I am sure more than you bargained for, but I know all you wanted to be was the best dad and husband you could, and know you are so much more than just the title. Thank you for being you, just when I need you. Today, tomorrow, forever. I am the woman I am because of you. For that I am eternally yours. My love, our love, always.

Cael, son

Ryleigh, daughter

Lee Ann, wife

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Here Today

Desperation is all too familiar of a feeling, my heart latches on to every free emotion trying to keep from slipping in the quicksand of despair. She is hurting, he is fighting, and they are dying. Life is fragile yet there are some who fear living and there are some who fear nothing and throw caution to the wind. Find balance, find equilibrium, find peace. No one asked me if I wanted to be a part of this life, no one asked me if I had the strength. I have never hated something so strongly, loathed something so greatly, admired something so little. I am tired, weak, and yet I must find the will to sink my fangs of strength into all that tries to take her from me. From my cold, dead, lifeless body will I ever give up this fight, for her, for me, for us. For she is a fire that burns through my soul, she is the light that guides my way to goodness, for evil is knocking at my door, she is the wind that lifts my mood and carries my sweet surrender to greater heights out of reach of hopelessness. It is not fair so many fight to live, so many live to fight, and so many have no fight and seek death as a comfortable retreat from the problems that tumble down the hillside of life. I get it, I have felt it, I have lived it. No one has to like it, but everyone has to respect it.

When one is sick and in pain, we all feel it, when one is lost to the angels, we all grieve it, when one is happy and doing great, we all enjoy it – relish it, savor it, seek more of it. We move together like the waves of time, seeking a better place, a better life, and a better dream. So easy to crumble into ruins with the slightest of change. Move hastily to enjoy the special times and moments for they may be removed without call from the story line of life. You’d be best to live in the present and not dwell on the past for there is no changing it, no magical wish, no genie to rub, no time machine to set you back and enjoy the pleasures of a redo. The present and future is all that remains. Do we really need anything else?

I see hope in her eyes, a glimmer, a spark of how great life could be, then with the slightest change in tide, I also see remnants of one of the worst days of my life running the length of her chest. It is never far from my thoughts. I weep for those that have lost, I mourn those that have been lost, and I seek contentment that I may find a place and time to accept this life, for there is no other I will be given. For I desire the in between. I see that now. There is no changing it tomorrow. When she smiles and looks into my eyes, it is moment I want to freeze time, for I never know if tomorrow, it will be the same. Sadness seeks a place to hang its eternal hat in my heart. I will fight with heated steel, until my weary heart fails to respire life in my living form. For she is here today.