Thursday, September 9, 2010

No Words Can Convey

I think a system that protects pedophiles is no system at all. Victims may not have their day in court, but by the means of determination WILL have their voices be heard! ‎Furthermore, those that choose to NOT speak of the crimes they witness being done to another are just as guilty as the one who commits them in my eyes! Selfish cowards!

I cannot say I have the courage or strength to do harm to the person responsible for my shame and pain. But what I can say is I understand why people hurt, and on some occasions kill, their abuser. The justice system finds ways to fail victims each day. Pushing victims to their limits, but being a survivor with grace and resilience I choose to continue to hold my head high knowing no matter if he is not behind bars I will live each moment untarnished by his despicable actions and deplorable behaviors. After all he has to live with what he did right?

He raped a five year old and continued to do so for 7 years after that! I mean I was not the first! Wake up – I was not the last! Is it of the impression of our state attorney - that he cannot win my case because it is my word (the victim) against the perpetrator, therefore he will not prosecute? He risks a big check in the win category – while I risk my life and sanity to find justice!

Why do you need a witness when you have two daughters separated by 13 years with similar stories telling you what happened? I don’t understand why you think the case is not winnable? Why would a victim need a witness to the abuse? The victim can tell you what happened! What a rollercoaster of disappointment - I want off this ride! It comes down to my word against his. Let us both take lie detectors, let us both be heard by a jury. Give me my day in court!

Does the legal system think that sexual abuse survivors need to make up a story to get attention? Here is a newsflash - I can think of many other stories to make up instead of one that brings me pain and shame!

Sure I will speak about what my father did and if he doesn’t like it – he can take me to court and try to win a lawsuit for slander or deformation! But you know, I will bet my life taken by the grim reaper, that he won’t because he is GUILTY! GUILTY OF RAPING A 5 YEAR OLD (HIS OWN DAUGHTER) FOR 7 YEARS, HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF TIMES! YAY I SAID IT! 37 YEARS IT HAS TAKEN ME TO SAY THAT OUTLOUD, BUT THERE IT IS! I am sorry that no one seems to understand or comprehend what that feels like!

Let me be clear, I live in a state (FLORIDA) with NO statute of limitations on the crime committed against me, but yet they (FLORIDA) won’t charge him because there are no witnesses? No words can convey, no words can say how appalled I am at this moment. Each accusation is a felony with a possible sentence of 25 to life. He should be charged with 3 counts! If I was able to at 13 to report him he would have gotten the death penalty, but now that I am an adult reporting it – the S.A. basically says fuck you because you’re not a child anymore, na na na na na shoulda reported it when you were a child. Oh well excuse me, oh dear, stupid me, why didn’t I think of that!

End of story.


  1. This is terrible. I know you are angry and you have every right to be upset. It takes people years sometimes to come forward with the truth of what happened to them, out of fear and shame, and even guilt. Stand strong my sister and don't give up.

  2. Thanks Terri, this is yet another example that justice is not always prevailing. I guess this is the part where "life sucks" and "life is not fair" comes into play! I have always said them, but now I get to live those sayings.

  3. Lee Ann, I am sorry about what has occurred to you in your life. How terrible to live under such horrible duress. But, I can see and know that through this terrible ordeal, you have turned into a matter to fight against. It has made you a stronger woman and a better mom and wife I am sure. I hate when I see this happen to children. I get so so angry, that someone would harm a little child. The laws in the country are too lax and need to be more punitive. Extremely punitive. God bless you for you courage to express to others your pain. I respect you even more my friend.

  4. Thanks Dean. I appreciate the kind words. All I can say is I did everything I was supposed to do. This can't rest on my shoulders any longer. As a survivor of this crime - it is not up to me to play judge and jury to convict. It is my duty to report it, but it had to be on my time - the bottom line is, when I report the crime doesn't change the crime. Only ages it. What he did was a severe crime then and is now. Thanks again and I am blessed to have a support system with great friends! LA

  5. As an ex victim of abuse, I know it was not easy for you to speak up. One time I told my mom that I was flashed when we were at the airport and she called me a liar. When I complained that her husband (my step dad) would not keep his hands to himself she told me to quit cussing... I left home soon after. Unfortunately, this is not an area that has progressed as far as it should for the victims. But the more of us that speak out, the more things will change for others.

  6. Hi Deb,
    Thank you for your words and yes I agree there has not been enough change in this area. More survivors need to come forward and while I am proud I was able to finally say my story out loud and about what he did, I am sad that I waited this long. I just don't understand why some people just refuse to acknowledge that this happens! I am sorry that that happened to you and I can only imagine how it hurt to have your mom not support you. My mom ran from my father when I was 5 months old, I have never known her. I don't blame her for leaving after knowing what I lived through for 17 years before I ran away and lived on the streets, but I missed out on a huge addition to my life. Best wishes to you and please visit and post often. I hope this blog becomes an open door for us to share together!
    Lee Ann