Monday, September 13, 2010
I wish I didn’t know. I wish I wasn’t stronger. I wish that I could wake up each day not plagued by the disease that cripples me; a diseases I have no control over, but one that controls me. I wish my thoughts were pure and innocent. I wish I could see the good in all people. I wish that I could smile and mean it. I wish I could trust those with the best intentions. I wish I was free. I wish that I could escape the moments that turned my memories into shit. I wish that I could stop forgetting the good and only remembering evil. I wish my mind could stop erasing the good things I want to keep dear and only keep me from the bad things. I wish that I was not suspicious of everyone who walks too close, or stares too long. I wish I had more faith in The System. I wish that I could fly like a bird and escape my pain. I wish that I could love the right way and not the only way I know how. I wish the words that hurt people didn’t come from my mouth. I wish that I could focus without giving attention to my demons. I wish that I had the nerve to go to your house and confront you. I wish I could live one day with thinking about it. I wish that I had a penny for every time I cursed your name, or existence, for I would be rich. I wish that I knew the finer things in life. I wish that I had been smarter. I wish that I lived each day and not wasted my tears on you. I wish that I could escape the page that bears our names together – my birth certificate. I wish that I could erase the pain you have caused me that I have evoked on others. I wish that I never knew you for if I never knew you I would not know the pain of a father who cared so little. I wish that I had tried new things. I wish that I hadn’t lived so sheltered. I wish that I let more people in. I wish that I had reported your crimes when I was a child. I wish that I had reached out more. I wish that I could beleive the nice things people say. I wish that my heart didn’t ache. I wish that I didn’t feel like death was the answer. I wish that I could turn back time. I wish that I had known my mother – but you beat her away too. I wish I had known what a family was like having. I wish that one day you will pay for what you did. I wish for nothing more than to find inner peace and stop living my days consumed by my hate for you. I wish for the right things to happen as they should. I wish for the day when I will not have to wish anymore.