Friday, September 3, 2010


You are my drug, my intoxicating non toxic drug. I will soon become addicted to it. So pure. So innocent. Watching, wondering, learning. I have not known such a love like this. It is a feeling I am not used to and the weight of its treasure bears heavy on my chest. When you were a baby I would watch you sleep and for the briefest moment feel the emancipating joy and freedom I beg you will always know. I linger above you for a moment longer to feel your warm, delicate breath on my face as I whisper your name and tell you that I love you.

When you are awake I watch you from a distance to make sure you are safe. You smile. You laugh. You know innocence. You know nothing of the dark side. A world filled with hate, rage, abuse, and death. Yes my child you were born to live. Born of a mother and father who will love you without judgment, without condition, for we know true love, you sweet child were made from love’s core.

I did not know how strong my love for you could be, like wild flowers growing in a field that spreads like a blanket covering and consuming everything it touches. I was taken aback by how absorbed I became by this love – nothing I have ever felt before. A love that demanded and needed me to feed into it, constantly hungry for more, this time whispering my name and replying, I love you mommy. Sweet child of mine, how I love you. You have become the world that resides upon my pedestal of life, every vein filling with your drug. You are my lifeline, my daily, constant reminder of why I choose life.

When you fall I will be there to help you, when you rise I will be there to applaud you and one day the time will come when you will say goodbye and begin your own life – and in that day my drug supply will run thin but I will be there to support you. But I know you will always be there, only a whisper away. Right? Tell me that you will whisper my name if you ever need me, never hold back if the need is there as I will always be here.

But before you leave always know my love for you will never run out, a constant supply, so drink it up my sweet child. Drink as much as you want for a mother’s love will never end. I know you must go now, but remember to be safe, remember that I love you, remember the happy times, and may you never know the dark side. Live this life to the fullest with no regrets is what I ask of you. May our example of love provide you with the ability to one day find it for yourself. May sorrow never seek you.

But know there will come a day when I must leave too, leaving this earth for another. My body will rest below it but my spirit will rise above it. But do not cry for me as I want you to know I am never far away – on that day your drug supply will run very thin, but remember I will always be there. Just whisper my name like I taught you. I will hear you as your words will be carried by an assembly line of angels taking special care not to lose any of them. I will be looking down, watching over you, protecting you and always, above all else, loving you.

So should you hear your name as a whisper in the wind, you will know it is mommy whispering back, I love you sweet child of mine.

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