Thursday, September 16, 2010

Windows - a short story

We all share the same journey in life, just different paths with different scenery and different things alone the path to encounter. We all do the best that we can in the worst of times. I find it hard to understand why those who know no fear can live so full? I fear everything. I live in a state of fear. I keep it close and dear to me. I would not want to live without it because if I do then I would undoubtedly have the worst things possible happen to me. I lived without fear once in my life and the worst did happen. Point taken.
When I was 18 I remember sitting on a public bus in Gainesville going to work at the VA Hospital and a lady passed by me. She was old with white hair twirled in a messy bun on top of her head, she had good skin and carried one of those reusable canvas shopping bag. Those that have experienced trauma tend to be very observant and aware of people. She gave me good reason to be aware of her. As she passed by she glared at me, looking me right in the eyes. The kind of glare that stays with you. Odd and creepy. The kind that chills your spine and sends goose bumps to the surface of the skin. Of course, she sat behind me too. I did not know whether to move or get off the bus.
My senses were now on full alert. My intuition was heightened. It was like I could feel her breathing on me. Needless to say, I was unable to move. I slightly turned my head to do a passenger position check on the lady only to find indeed she was mere inches from my face. I leaned forward and turned as I asked her if she was ok. She laughed. I told myself that maybe she needed some mental help and was about to leave when she reached out for my arm and I pulled it back so fast like a snake after it has bitten its prey.
Was this the point that I should retaliate and run? Did she want something from me? Did she have a weapon? Yes you could say I was in a state of FEAR. So many things running through my mind that all I could do was press my body into the seat in front of me and hope that she would notice how uncomfortable I was. She did. We all would like to think we would know what to do in a confrontational situation, but I would argue that most of us don’t know. She stayed leaning in but moved back a tad as to give me my breathing room back. Then she looked at my face and understandably saw what I was feeling, fear.
She said, “you don’t need to fear me girl.” I said, “I am not fearful of you” and she swiftly whispered, “you are so full of fear right now your face is wet from the overflow from your eyes” I went from being scared to being confused, what did that mean? She then proceeded to tell me that my eyes held all my power and if I wanted people to not see my fear to change the windows to my soul. She stated that she could see pain in my eyes. Ok now I was shaking. I mean did I know this lady? It was almost as if she was reading my mind when she said, “no, we have not met, I know you are wondering how I know so much but know so little about you”. She proceeded to claim that those who have endured so much pain in their lives that they carry the pain in their eyes. I turned around in my seat as to not face her anymore and thought to myself, well if that is the case then I must have had billboards in my eyes advertising my pain. I shrugged at the thought and squirmed in my seat not wanting to give into the lady’s silly banter. Trying to think of something to say in return but coming back with nothing that would not sound like denial. I turned around to ask her in all her wisdom how I could disguise this so called fear and was bewildered to find her gone. I didn’t even remember the bus stopping but I guess it had.
Right? From that day on I changed my windows.

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