Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Shhhhhhhh did you hear that, I ask? That sound? The tap, tap, tapping. Did you hear that? The noises that fill the ear and trick the mind to believe we are not alone. In the darkness. It’s time for the shadows to come out and play, safe. Do they feel safe? Is it the voices of the unrest that I hear in the white noise that plays to help me sleep. The defeated purpose. What are they saying, who are they calling for? Are they asking me for help or warning me? The noises become intense. Thick thuds, sounds like bodies hitting the floor. Is that you walking? I am scared now, stiff like a brittle board in winter. The noises dance around me. The delicate touch of a soft hand on the door handle - click - clack. The tapping on the window glass. Curious. You can’t hear it, I say? I refuse to believe I am confined by my own mind. The thought dissolves away to the certainty of knowing an eerie presence is in the room.
What do you want, I say to the heavy shadow looming over me ready to suffocate the air out of my lungs. Waiting. Ready to descend upon me and inflict illness and grief. I cannot resist seeing the mass move around the bed wanting nothing more than to cover my head as a child would do scared of the evil the lurks in the closet. I am too paralyzed to look away, but wanting nothing more than to wake up and realize this is a dream – a nightmare. I can’t help it, I need to know, we all want to know when it is our time. Is it my time, I say. Is that why you stay over me? I see you moving, slowly and methodically across the room, you want me to see you. Paranoia sets in and I hear the voices speak with purpose in the white noise that eagerly tries to change my mind’s interpretations. I cannot reason in this state. As I try to resist knowing what the voices are saying, I succumb to knowing it is no use to oppose. I focus. I focus on them calling out, crying out. Do I know you, should I know you, my mind screams “what do you want” so loudly I wonder if the words were spoke instead.
I want to run and escape the presence of this mass, but my legs feel weak and malleable like my bones have been removed. I close my eyes and hope I will open to an empty lonely room. But you know. I know. You play your cards well. The noises amplify when I close my eyes with the intent to drive me crazy – making me eager to see what is taking place before me. I decide to be strong, stronger than you. I get up from my bed and make a run for the door. I hear a screeching noise that hurts my ears I crumble a bit inward as if to protect my core. I am nearly to the door to find you. There. Everything is in slow motion as I try to pass you. There you are. Sitting in a chair. Pale and frail. Your clothes look worn and ragged. Eyes drooping, dark and empty, mouth open to a darkness like a dungeon, head covered with a grey matted mess of hair. You make no noise, but your hollow eyes follow me as I approach. I pass by and you reach for my arm. I feel my entire body go limp, the heat rushing from my head to my toes, feeling like a thousand needles going into my skin, my heart beats hard against my rib cage, it wants out, wants nothing to do of this dreadful date between you and I. I can’t breathe. I fall. Darkness closes in.
I wake to a voice, noise, vision blurry, I look up. I hear, “Are you ok? You must have fallen over the ottoman. Were you sleep walking last night?” I look around confused but thankful to see daylight filling the room that once was occupied by darkness. You are gone. I look down at my wrist. The evidence that you were there is left in the bruise that wraps around my wrist. I know when the noise returns so will you. I must be prepared. I will be expecting you, ready.