Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sorrow Seeks

I want to say I am sorry. I want my actions to speak louder than my words. I want them to scream at you and tell you how much you mean to me. I surrender to the mercy you have bestowed upon me because my words have cut you in a way you do not deserve. Anger rises from a place I cannot control, a place that is locked by my brain and can only be accesses in times I feel defensive. Maybe it is a natural defense my mind wants to provide a shield around my emotional heart protecting it from a possible break.

I cannot express the heartache I would feel if one day you were no longer there. I have a true undying wish to be with you till the end, holding my hand on the lighted staircase to another dimension. If we do not live for what we have in this life, I beg my wish of knowing you again in another.

You provide me with the rays of life and the solace of security. Without you my being would not be whole. I do not seek out sorrow, but it resides on my doorstep waiting eagerly for me to let my guard down. It wishes not to punish me, but to hurt those that I adore for that would be more damage than any affliction of pain I would bestow upon myself.

I only want for you to see into my soul to know that you complete the parts me that was lost so many years ago. I pledge an undying love for you – but will you accept me in my flawed state? Knowing I cannot promise to be perfect for I was born damaged. My wounds are like my permanent tattoos, constant reminders of a life I try to keep hidden but my scars serve as age lines of the sadness I feel. You see me for what and who I am and yet you love me unconditionally.

My sorrow is captivated by the love I feel for you, wishing it had the power to move the wave of emotions I feel when I look into your eyes. It feels it has no place to be victorious when you are in my presence – in my presence is where I hope you will always stay. I cannot take back the lashing of my tongue or the words that cut you like a newly sharpened knife, but I wish to say I am sorry for the pain I have yet again caused you. I hope this will not be a day marked on the calendar of judgment.

I love you and I seek sorrow and restitution in your grace.

No comments:

Post a Comment