Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Nocturnal Dread

It is not about abandonment or abuse, it is about the scars that reside on my internal wounds, ones that cannot be taken away by medicine or therapy. The scars that never get treated or caressed. I think I would rather feel the shot of a slow moving bullet ripping through my skin and tearing at the nocturnal dread that looms over the life that remains.  You have it wrong as I am not bitter, I do not seek vengeance, I seek fair dealing that this pain was for not, that this pain will help someone else, that this pain will eventually go away – yes this may be naive of me, but hope is all that remains. Pain that runs deeper than a cavern filled with poisonous snakes. I must slay each one to find peace, happiness, and life. It will be a long battle, but I am ready.
Like a spider that creeps up on you, biting you, because you have invaded the space it calls home. It was not intentional, the spider cannot be blamed for retaliation, it was doing only what was in its’ nature.  A healing human must do what is in their nature – when the tongue becomes sharp and cuts into your soul, for it is not personal it is healing.  There are no excuses for a survivor to create a victim, so the best way to avoid it is to allow yourself to mourn the life that you know will never happen. Live the life that can and is happening. Enjoy the treasures that you have been given whether they are small or large. Face the eternal fact that you will never know what it feels like to wake up and not be a survivor of abuse – when all else leaves – it will remain haunting you in the silence of your thoughts, in your time alone, in happy moments waiting to rip at the threads and unravel all that you have built. It will seek you out, it will smell your weakness, it will sense your inability to deal. It will break you.
There are those that will not listen to the words that escape my lips, they will ignore the story, brush it off into someone else’s lap, choose to believe that these things do not happen. There is a reality and a lesson to be learned. Depend upon yourself, believe in yourself, do for yourself.  Yourself.  Even the person that comes to you in a vision of friendship can have a dark side covered by a thick slab of lies with alternative motives.  Trust is key, it should be cherished; do not give it away like a foolish girl who pawns her virtues for one moment of happiness.  Do not feel for one minute you have been abandoned by those that do not believe or do not want to hear it, because you can only be abandoned if you give up on yourself and choose to feel abandoned.  You have it wrong if you think this is where it ends for me, I have a long life to live, and I plan on doing.
Stand up, step out, speak up. There are people waiting for you.

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