Mourning

I tend to delve into some deep thoughts from time to time, seeking answers and a greater level of understanding.  It dawned on me the other day why I really don’t know if group therapy helps victims, I mean I know it provides an outlet, that can be safe and relieving, but is group therapy really a way for a victim to retell their story? I mean is it a viable way to find healing?  I think it creates a stigma, my story is worse than yours kind of situation.  As humans we compare ourselves to others all the time and victims are no different. Group therapy is probably the one type of treatment for a victim that does not help in my opinion. Being a survivor of rape or sexual assault doesn’t get better with hearing that others have gone through it, it only helps us to not feel guilty for it happening to us – that whole 'we are not alone' type thing.  When I was a little girl, I hid my abuse making my life seem normal because I truly felt I was alone, and I was the only one who was going through it.  As I became an adult I got so good at faking normal that I think it pushed me into being normal and accepting the abuse happened and it did not define me.  I was living a life that appeared to be free of anything bad, when people hearing of my abuse they often say to “wow, I figured you came from a good family and had a cherished life, I had no idea”! That gives me comfort in some strange way that I am so good at covering it up that no one can judge me or look at me as being different because of my abuse, but when I am alone with my thoughts is when the pain finds me, the flashbacks, the feelings of betrayal.  I think when I tell people of my abuse they treat me different and that is what I have always tried to avoid – but being silent helps no one, so telling my story has helped others to find their voice and peace with a life they will also never have, but it does not mean they can’t have A LIFE They chose. One filled with love and normalcy and peace.

Perhaps the reason why rape victims and sexual assault survivors seek out a life of sex work after the perpetration is because the abuse becomes an addiction and mourning that addiction has not happened for the survivor disabling them from sort of recovering.  As a survivor, I knew it was critical to find a way to cope for the well being of the life I had yet to live, but to mourn the pain and abuse I endured making me capable of moving on. It helped the first time I heard I was not the only one, it kept me from feeling like a monster, like I should be ashamed because of the way my sanctuary was abused and used by my perpetrator. But hearing that there are so many who have shared this pain does not provide me with comfort, it fills me with fear for what I don’t know, and how many other people live in misery ridden past like me. Finding happiness is the hardest journey I have had to bear, but I have allowed myself to feel the pain, absorb it and face it. I know many that have not done this and they remain victims - but I am a survivor, hating to be labeled as a victim.

Accept the truth that if you are a victim of abuse there is NOTHING that can or will change it, or make it go away.  You MUST mourn the life that you will not have so you can live the life you do. I am living proof.
It seems there is a pattern with almost all victims - meaning victims create victims if mourning does not occur, breaking the cycle is the only way to heal, abuse and betrayal is a choice - this I know now.